Adderall and I have been through a lot. We had some good times, but we made some bad decisions together over the years…some of which I am still trying to overcome *cough cough, I have been living with my mom for over the last two and a half years*… I haven’t quite yet been able to fully bounce back from my prior poor choices, but that’s what happens when you’re a drug addict. It’s part of the deal I guess. No one said it was going to be easy.
A brief history of my Adderall use goes as follows: I was addicted to cocaine and once I quit that, I became addicted to Adderall. My Adderall abuse spanned over six years. I tried to quit around three times every year, but that would only last a maximum of three months each time, just enough for the second keychain in Narcotics Anonymous. In July of 2019, I stopped completely. YAY!
The height of my Adderall addiction was in 2017. That was when I lost everything: my family, my friends, my job, my belongings, my home. The only things I didn’t lose, which I am beyond grateful for, were my dogs, my car and my spirit. I definitely lost my spirit along the way but I got it back somehow :)
I think it was because I made Adderall acceptable for every day and for every time use, that it really started to rock my foundation. When it was more recreational, I could manage myself and still make level-headed choices, usually. But, then having copious amounts of this drug and never coming back down to Earth, reeeeeally wasn’t a safe situation.
It was a series of events that landed me homeless. Possibly, if I would have a support system to talk some sense into me, I might have been okay, but…shoulda woulda coulda. So, in 2017, I landed my highest paying job at the time and I was making more money than I was used to. In my spare time, I got high on Adderall and spent thousands of dollars at all of the Goodwill stores in my area. Adderall turned me into a compulsive shopper; I maxed out every single credit card I had (5) and completely drained my bank account (-$500 at one point-I got it up to -$100 when they closed my account). Ironically, I was evicted from my home at the same time, but for unrelated reasons. My landlord decided to kick me out so his ex-wife could move back in with his step-son.
I packed up everything I could at the time and did what any normal (not really) person would do. I posted ads looking for a place for me and my two dogs to stay, on Craigslist in…New York. Bahhahah! Just looking back, I picked the place with the highest rent in the US. I mean, I was even thinking about moving to Australia at the time. The crazy thing is, I 100% believe I could have made it happen. Adderall turned me into a superhero, but not the good kind.
So, woohoo. I met a guy on CG who said we could move in (Staten Island) and his father owned a company and I would be able to work for him. This was perfect! Except for the fact that this guy was a drug-addict who stole all my Adderall and jewelry. Thankfully, I got most of my stuff back. Also thankfully, I had a back-up roommate (Brooklyn) who let me stay with him and oh my goodness, I had THE WORST withdrawal symptoms. I was useless. I had made an agreement to sell health goods door-to-door with this roommate, but I couldn’t even get out-of-bed.
I was able to get ahold of my psychiatrist and I explained to him what happened- I was out of Adderall. My mother ran to his office and immediately mailed me my new scripts for Adderall. I was back in business. Next, I had decided to move to Michigan because, Eminem. Don’t ask, but I was going to be signed to Shady Records and that was all I knew. Funny thing is, I may have been able to pull this off if I didn’t quit Adderall. But, I did quit Adderall and I now live at my mom’s. I wonder how long I could have kept the charade going, but I had a psychotic episode that landed me in the mental ward in Macomb County.
I didn’t even take a high dose when this occurred, which is what I’ll never fully understand, and it wasn’t a full moon either! I took one pill Tuesday and was up until that Friday. One pill! I was accustomed to much more than that, but something was in the air. I was smashing and breaking my belongings (glass figurines, iPhone…MacBook:( and accusing my roommate at the time of some outlandish actions. My roomie brought me to hospital and I thought I was on TV and in jail and nothing made sense, but I was locked away for nearly two weeks and labelled Bipolar when I walked out. I never actually spoke with a doctor to diagnose me. The staff went off of my behavior when I arrived, along with blood tests, to determine what was wrong with me. Since I only had one Adderall on Tuesday and the tests were run Friday, there was no Adderall in my system to show up on my blood results, so they believed I was Bipolar, but what actually occurred was an Adderall induced psychotic episode, the last of way too many.
A couple months later, my roommate and I needed to find a new place to live because we were staying at his brother’s house and his daughter needed to move in. Stone-cold sober and with only one place left to go, I drove 11 hours to my mother’s house and I’ve been here ever since. That was in July 2018.
Everything happened so fast and it wasn’t all bad; there are memories I miss, but I would never in a bagillion years ever go back to when I was addicted to Adderall. It really took a toll on me, but I’m making my comeback and I am so happy that I made through to share my story and hopefully inspire other people to quit because life really is better sober. No more making excuses for my poor behavior. I am proud of myself and the progress I’m making!
If you struggle with a drug addiction, please don’t give up on yourself, because you are SO strong and there is a bright future for you!
Originally published at https://www.irose2222.com on February 27, 2021.
