What if your name made you cringe every time you heard it? What would you do? Would you change it? Yes…It’s a big decision, but maybe it would be the ultimate game changer you needed to revolutionize your life.
Addiction consumed over 13 years of my life and I associated my first name with my destructive behaviors. It wasn’t that it was “her” fault, it’s that in my opinion, she was a massive disappointment to myself, family, society and “friends.” Yes, I am being a bit hard on my previous self, but I was ashamed and regretted the bulk of her actions. I was internalizing how others felt about me. My mind warped and became fixated on it, which resulted in severe depression. The harsh treatment I received from those around me made me feel worthless and insignificant. I was ignored and ridiculed. It was almost as if I could still hear them talking s*** about me, years after not speaking. It haunted me and wasn’t going away, unless if I took charge of the situation.
I was internalizing how others felt about me. My mind warped and became fixated on it, which resulted in severe depression.
The decision to change my name was easy, but the implementation of it was not. The first time I changed my alias was in January of 2015. I started a fresh, new job and voila! Here I am, world! I thought that was all I had to do, just switch my preferred name and I would magically transform into Mary Poppins. Two months after creating my crisp persona, I was arrested for disorderly conduct and assault of a police officer. Clearly, I hadn’t evolved. If anything, I was more of a liability. The job lasted 11 months, then I promptly returned to my previous moniker.
Time passed, I remained addicted to drugs, booze, negative thinking, you name it ;-) By the time April 2017 rolled around, I had sobered up and relapsed at least ten times, but unfortunately, I was at another peak of my Rx addiction after losing my father to cancer. In another world and stuck on changing my full legal name this time, not just informally altering my preferred name like before, I contacted a professional numerology website that specialized in generating names that would improve your life based on your birthday. #spiritualitygang
After brief consideration, I was now Haley Archers. My whole life was falling apart at this point, but I had a new name! This just didn’t work; I was so high on pills. I would also just make up new names when I met people and it’s all very surreal looking back. Thankfully, I never legally changed my name to HA.
Two years, five relapses and six moves later, I returned to my home state to stay with my mother. I was in the deepest depression you can imagine and didn’t think I was going to make it through to the other side. My soul was exhausted due to my incessant maltreatment. In July 2019, I somehow gathered the strength to overcome my weaknesses and haven’t looked back (I got a sobriety cat). Well, I mean, I do look back because I’m proud of everything I’ve overcome but what I’m trying to say is that I’m never poisoning myself again.
I felt a piece of my puzzle was still missing after sobering up. You guessed it, it was my name! I was finally clean and felt great, depleted of energy, but I felt anew. When February 2020 rolled around, I went for it and officially changed my preferred name. I told my work, my friend (I only had one friend) and my mother. Demetra was embraced with open arms (except for my mom, that’s been an adjustment) and suddenly everything clicked. Sobriety was the key component to solidifying who I am now. Being toxin-free is what Demetra is all about. She doesn’t call in sick, compulsive shop, b**** at people, drink, pop pills, etc. I am more self-aware and considerate of my actions since transforming into my true essence. When I say I’ll do something, I do it! I see everything through.
I was able to integrate the important life lessons from my past to become the person I am today, and for that I am grateful for who I have become.
If you are considering changing your name after addiction, or for any reason really, the only advice I have is to make the necessary behavioral adjustments that correlate with the person you want to be before doing it. I know from experience that it can be disheartening not living up to your own skyscraper expectations. You don’t have to be perfect to change your name; it’s a process and one worth upholding.
Originally published at https://www.irose2222.com on January 2, 2021.
